The More I Think About It

Sometimes I just wonder what happened to my life ...Like Where Did It Go? Here we are .... another Saturday Night, and what am I doing? Well, I am back at mom's, of course .... and feeling desperately lonely ...Alone.

Thankfully, I am getting a little break as mom is resting on the sofa, her bed. She will be awake again soon though and being her usual negative self. There is little to nothing on television and I have not felt this low spirited for a bit, anyway. Trying to type "quietly" so as not to awake mom before need be.

It is so hard from this positioning of my life, as it is now, to even begin to believe any of my earlier dreams will come true now; that I will make some sort of "success" doing the things I am most talented at and love. To believe my creativity will elevate me ...? Hmmmmm Now? I just do not know. Life is very disappointing ... for some of us. Others just seem to keep floating on softness and good fortune. Tricky tricky - the winds of fate.

I know being around my mother stops my progression in life, as it did when I was a teen and younger. Getting away, living thousands of miles away from my mother allowed me amazing growth and a ton of opportunities, personally and professionally. But how to get away This Time? Where is the money coming from for that when I cannot even get regular employment in NS, being "over-" or "under-" qualified?

I know dear cousin _____ is NOT a friend. Finally, I know for sure. It took a long while, almost a lifetime, but it finally resonated a few months back. He has gotten more from our friendship and me than I have EVER received from him! He could easily have helped me out of this awful whole I have fallen down into; could have even prevented it, by simply giving me a place to stay seven years ago in Ontario. What kind of best friend, and first-cousin let's you fall apart, and leaves you to the mire of a life in the place almost only he knows just how much you despise? (A self-centric Bastard who is out to make himself look like something he totally is not!)

Oh, well ... I really fell for it! Sadly ... and now I have to deal with the mess I have made ...