That Sinking Feeling ...

This year has sucked from the start. Don't want to say it, but it is true for me. It's almost birthday time again too, and so much strife! Challenging to write when you're right in the middle f the storm but I do want to express what really happens - at least to me! Maybe I can help someone else, at least prevent them from falling down the well of life too.

Off antidepressants for about maybe two weeks now and it's NOT pretty how I feel or my thoughts. Did not go off med by choice, either. Doctors in NS are uhm, well ... I have had one bad experience after another with NS docs since coming back to this place. Detrimental to my health. As it stands, I do not even have a doctor presently; haven't for a few months after firing the incompetent one I had for 2-3 yrs. Met a new one who's personality seemed to go really well with my own, and who expressed that he'd possibly want to be my doc though he wasn't supposed to be taking new patients! He liked how I speak, and expressed myself on his voice mail, initially. Then my way of telling stories, with my comedic view always there despite the bad circumstances I convey of my experiences thus far. But it's not worked out. Why? Money! (Of course.) New doctor needs me to get my chart/file from old doc who had two offices - both claiming not to have file at first! Well, my old doc's 2nd office where I did not go to see him regulalry (only once actually) got to the bottom of where my chart was. Surprise - at the office cose to where I live, the walk-in-clinic where I used to see the doctor. I have to pay $30 CAN to have file transfered from them to the new doctor who would take me on as a new patient, only basicaly broke me doesn't really have $30 to spare, even to get a doctor. Now, what happened sorta as a sidebar to this ...New doc gave me 1 prescription of the antidepressants I had been taking for a few months - the pills the old jackass doc finally switched me to, after me asking to be put on something other than the pill I was talking on and off for several yrs, with different ones in between (if you follow). Thing is, 1. I haven't liked how new antiDs had me feeling though I gave them a chance to work. It would seem I need to try yet another pill, but hey, did not get THAT chance as yet, since new doctor did not return my phone calls or even re-new old prescription, not even to the pharmacy via phone. So, for the third or fourth(?) time in my life, I have had to go off antidepressants cold turkey!!! Doctor's wife/receptionist finally returned my call almost a week after the awful withdrawals had begun! At least I was only on this pill for a few months and not YEARS, AND was on the lowest dosage which makes the detoxing process less Helacious. Pharmacy (whom I kept checking with to see if new doc had called in prescription in response to my voice messages at his office) said I should already be through the worst of detox process and would be "okay" when a week had passed since I stopped taking the pills.

This latest experience with doctors has been off-putting, to say-the-least. When doctor's wife/receptionist called, she only called to say the doc WOULD NOT write me a prescription, nothing about he needed to see me at office again, first, or anything. It was sort of rude.

Now weeks later, I have no doctor, no medication, still have ringing in my ears from time to time everyday, and my balance is not always too good. The worst? Besides the feeling that the doctors don't actually care about you, as a human being? (And I REALLY LIKED the personality of the new doctor.) The feeling that they won't help you through a really rough spot unless you do what THEY TELL YOU and, no matter how, get your chart, money or no money, to them or you're simply INVISIBLE?! The worst of it is, I can feel deep dark depression creeping back ... Who is this that I am now? I don't feel like "me", and not only am I way on edge and fighting off the black thoughts that are surfacing in my head once more, with even less energy than I "normally" have had. But I am rendered extremely emotionally vulnerable now, after years of not being able to cry due to antiDs, It's all I can do but hold back a river of rain. What do I feel now besides sadness and great deep dispair? Anything? This is becoming scary ... I did want to see if I could go off depression meds again; see how the world was seeming. It was an idea. Now, so far, the forecast looks extremely grim ... With more dark storm clouds to come? Eeeeek!

There is still no peace where I live - crackhead/drugdealers are now gone from above my flat after 3-4 months there with their loud pounding over-head. (Police escorted them.) There are new people, again ..ALREADY, and they have an 8 year old who loves to run in the flat, plus cats, and a dog (which they are NOT supposed to have, living in that house)! It's a couple with the child, plus an older man living in the basemetn part of their flat, which borders mine!!! When he coughs sounds like he is in my place!!! I think he's the father of either the lady or her man. Plus, the 12 year old, freindly and bright girl from the flat at the very top of the 3-story house seems to suddenly have 6 friends who keep running through the yard and hang out near my one door/basement entrance. I still cannot concetrate or relax there.

So after a month or so, I am back at Mom's, though our last visit was pretty bad. I did stay too long, but I can't stand the thought of my place sometimes. There is no peace here, and the only reason I am able to write this blog right now, is because mom was out on chores today, walking around, which leaves her really tired when she gets back. She is sleeping in a sitting position on the sofa(her bed of choice), but - as usual - keeps awaking for short stints, until she'll awake for something sweet to eat and to complain about noise of my typing or the lights being on in the house, or to go to washroom, or to tell me to go to bed even though I only got up at 7:30pm, plus I'm over 40 and she may be Mother but is NOT THE BOSS OF ME. Not only is there not any peace here, with mom's chaotic ways, but the ever-increasing depression tells me that being here with her is not a good idea either, because, though she suffers from depression also, her memory issues or lack of compassion, or both, find her not too sympathetic to my plight at all; not sensitive to what I am now going through ...

There! She's suddenly awake again, and talking as if she had not been asleep at all. Starled me! The complaining and nagging will soon follow.

I HATE this! I just want to sing, write, act, maybe direct a short film and be around loving people who are respectful to me, have friends and positive reinforcement; to have a lover/romance, a career, or a job I can stand that pays SOME $$$, to move back to Toronto or try NYC finally, or even LA, or some other Big City ...!!!

I truly HATE my life now, it has become such a pile of shit and after much time of pondering it, I still don't know how I can fix it!

What is my life all about?!!!!

Snowbound

The first snowfall has come and gone. The memories of summer are faint, but linger on. Life is not great - still, not great for me at all, but I am still alive somehow. At least for now. In spite of it all.

My mother is working my last nerves. I have been stuck here in NS now for some time and nobody seems to GET IT. All the pain I feel daily, the longing for Toronto or some other metropolis, so that I can be ME once again, at last. To have an opportunity to share my creative endeavors with the masses, and to just LIVE, an not be an afterthought in my family's lives. Especially after all my contributions to them since returning. My older sister is the worst one for not seeming to remember how I have supported her and her daughter, given financial aid with whatever money I had when first back, with a little "extra" cash. Now she doesn't call me nor do we have any real relationship to speak of. She has chosen to make her world about she and her now teen daughter, at the expensive of her two brothers and mother, her family of origin.

I feel almost hopeless again as the year pulls to an end. At the end of my rope, stress at an all-time-high, thanks to this awful existence AND the stress from the time I spend at mom's under her thumb and with her rude comments and put downs ... I wish there were someone to help ME .... financial aid, ha! To get back to Toronto, with money to keep me afloat for several months until I got a job, and to help me get a place to live. I wish. Oh, how I wish.

There's A Lull In My Life ...

There is so much emptiness ... So much pain ...over and over ... One would think the pain would fill the void, and the emptiness would no longer exist ... If only ...

If life is about learning, and I would like to think it is, in part, then how much suffering does one person have to endure? Does the suffering go over and over, until the lesson is learned? Can it be that we learn every lesson that we need to learn in a lifetime? Hmmmm.

Why am I stuck in this NOTHINGNESS as if I never had any power to make things happen at all? Is it that I am supposed to be OUT of Toronto at this particular time in the history of the world? Is there some bigger picture really happening here with the lull of my life? I don't meet people ... Social networking offline really is not working here in NS for me. Sex? The last time I had that was so long ago, it is verging on the pathetic. And this constant battle with my own mother?!!!!???!!! I do not actually think that in her right mind that she HATES me but she carries on as though she does, so what's the difference? Why must this be happening to me?

As I type this, all these questions ...I do realize I am among many others before me who have asked the "WHYS" of it all. Yet, where is the comfort ... ? Where are the answers?

The Eleventh Hour

My life is such shyte. I don't know where to begin. To what? Fix it? That's a laugh ... I just do not know anymore ... I am 42 years old now and I am not getting anywhere ... I cannot get a job when I am healthy enough to do one and I seem perpetually stuck here in NS. It truly feels like punishment from life. Halloween? Ha ha ha. Just another day, another night in. I am at mom's one more night, and things have not been going well this visit at all. Especially since last night, when she struggled with entering her Avon order online from 10:30pm to like around 3am; I struggled with trying to watch "ER" and "Eleventh Hour" and "Life on Mars" amidst constant interruption. I used to do the inputting of the orders for mom at the beginning for a few months, but I believe she needs to learn how to do it herself, and I have taken the time to teach her how it works but she cannot remember things well (and that's an understatement). So I did try and see what she was up to during the commercial breaks, and her constant thinking aloud, distressed, did not help me in following the storylines to the tv programs. I swear, the last ten minutes of each show, where the drama usually swells, was when she would freak out the loudest or longest. She does not seem to have a mind for the pc, and I do find making such a statement difficult. I would like to believe everyone can learn, to a degree. But I have to face it, mom is a very unusual person and being around her is just a drag down for me. I should have gone home earlier as I was once going to do. Now we're barely talking civilly; I'm more perplexed by her, and even though I suggested maybe we go to the drugstore, or grocery store, that idea went straight to hell when some cousin called about her Avon order and came over with another cousin and proceeded to chat QUITE LOUDLY with or is it "to" mom in the kitchen area while I waited for the pc to reboot and do scan for bad sectors. They were here for almost an hour, talking about womens "issues" not knowing I was here, since mom treats me like her "dirty little secret" sometimes, and so now it's too late to go out, just to get out of the house. But mom IS trying to "nudge" me into ordering delivery, on my dime (!!! this is the NuMom!); she's all about money now. The other night she started something about how much food I eat (!!!!! yes, it has finally sunken to that level)! If you cannot go to your parents' and feel secure and "friendly with the fridge" etc ...where can you? I don't mind helping mom, after all, that is the reason I have been coming out here in part, but she's getting very petty. My sister has noticed it too. Helping where I can financially, which is almost NEVER is one thing, but being EXPECTED to that is quite another thing.

I am feeling extremely depressed, having back discomfort, lonely, and confused right now. Oh, and very hungry. But mom knows I do not have the kind of money to splurge on delivery all the time. Maybe she'll get humane again and go dutch?

Dee Dee Warwick ~ Bye Bye Dee Dee

Soul singer Dee Dee Warwick dies at 63

SOUTH ORANGE, New Jersey (AP) -- Dee Dee Warwick, a noted soul singer who won recognition for both her solo work and her performances with her older sister Dionne Warwick, has died. She was 63.

Dee Dee Warwick was the niece of gospel singer Cissy Houston and a cousin of pop star Whitney Houston.

Warwick died Saturday at a nursing home in Essex County, New Jersey, said family spokesman Kevin Sasaki. He said she had been in failing health in recent months and that her sister was with her when she died.

Warwick had several hits on the soul and R&B charts in the 1960s and '70s, including "Foolish Fool, "She Didn't Know (She Kept on Talking)" and a version of "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" that was later covered by Diana Ross and The Supremes.

Warwick also was a two-time Grammy Award nominee and sang backup for Aretha Franklin, Wilson Pickett and others before starting her solo career.

A member of a musical family, Warwick was the niece of noted gospel singer Cissy Houston and a cousin of pop star Whitney Houston. (from CNN.net)

What is weird about this for me mostly, is that just this weekend I was randomly downloading some "old skool" soul/R&B music and when browsing and searching cane across Dee Dee Warwick's name and some of her catalogue. Now I had known of her, of course, but never really knew the music, just that she had done the original version of the tune "Foolish Fool", which Chaka Khan recorded on her most recent Grammy-winning CD, Funk This! I had no Idea at all when downloading two other Dee Dee Warwick songs that she had recently passed away. Did not know of this until finally getting around to watching an episode of ABC's The View, where it was mentioned that she, Levi Stubs (The Four Tops), and Mr. Blackwell, fashion critic had all passed of late!

Life In The Lion's Den ...

It is Sunday ... and it already started off very rocky. Speaking of which - I think Mom might truly be going off her "rocker" now! Yesterday, well, she locked me out of the back door of the house only minutes after I had gone out the front door, to take out some garbage and survey the yard a bit. After gathering the newspaper from it's mail slot I decided to walk around a bit and then come back into the house via the back entrance - which actually looks like/and is often mistaken for the front entrance, though there is no driveway there, just lots of lawn! Well, the joke was on me, because when I got up the stairs, planning to come in and cut through the veranda, the door was not only suddenly closed, but locked! THAT FAST!!!!

Mom denies having done it ...

This morning she accused me of trying to drive HER crazy (FFS!) and called me all kinds of variations on Satan and even implied that I was making my teen niece (whom she had spoken to briefly earlier) upset or worried, probably a more harsh word actually ...but, as the Brits say, it's "bollox" anyway. She was talking about the fires that have been burning very local these past few days, and I shouted out some corrected info that I had received or was aware, i.e. the proper channel the CTV and CBC have their twenty-four hour news networks on ... How would this have scared my niece?!!! My "loud" voice from the other side of the room, booming from behing sliding room partitioning dividers? This was all so distressing over the phone?!!!! I think NOT!

Mom is a classic case of DENIAL.
A classic case of what the doctor's call TRANSFERENCE, trying to make the one she is verbally abusing out to be the abuser, and I'm so not falling for it.

I feel sorry for her yes, but her long-standing stubborn, not listening to anybody, particularly anything I might have to offer as advice from my life experiences, is the big thing that is blocking her own HEALING ... So, after awhile, you feel less sorry, and just frustrated with what you're being put through also, and sad for the person doing it ...

As if ...

As if I would believe her: "I think you're losing it ...!"

Yeah, whatever Mom ... Go Grow Up(one of her favorite sayings ...always somebody else whom needs to grow up!) and deal with your fucking issues. It is about time now. First you blamed my absentee father for everything that didn't agree with you in life, then you blamed us, your kids, and the raising of three kids as a single mother ... In most recent times, you have taken to blaming me ...The ONLY CHILD OF YOURS WHO COMES TO HELP YOU, and see you!

Where is the fucking justice in THAT?!!!!

The More I Think About It

Sometimes I just wonder what happened to my life ...Like Where Did It Go? Here we are .... another Saturday Night, and what am I doing? Well, I am back at mom's, of course .... and feeling desperately lonely ...Alone.

Thankfully, I am getting a little break as mom is resting on the sofa, her bed. She will be awake again soon though and being her usual negative self. There is little to nothing on television and I have not felt this low spirited for a bit, anyway. Trying to type "quietly" so as not to awake mom before need be.

It is so hard from this positioning of my life, as it is now, to even begin to believe any of my earlier dreams will come true now; that I will make some sort of "success" doing the things I am most talented at and love. To believe my creativity will elevate me ...? Hmmmmm Now? I just do not know. Life is very disappointing ... for some of us. Others just seem to keep floating on softness and good fortune. Tricky tricky - the winds of fate.

I know being around my mother stops my progression in life, as it did when I was a teen and younger. Getting away, living thousands of miles away from my mother allowed me amazing growth and a ton of opportunities, personally and professionally. But how to get away This Time? Where is the money coming from for that when I cannot even get regular employment in NS, being "over-" or "under-" qualified?

I know dear cousin _____ is NOT a friend. Finally, I know for sure. It took a long while, almost a lifetime, but it finally resonated a few months back. He has gotten more from our friendship and me than I have EVER received from him! He could easily have helped me out of this awful whole I have fallen down into; could have even prevented it, by simply giving me a place to stay seven years ago in Ontario. What kind of best friend, and first-cousin let's you fall apart, and leaves you to the mire of a life in the place almost only he knows just how much you despise? (A self-centric Bastard who is out to make himself look like something he totally is not!)

Oh, well ... I really fell for it! Sadly ... and now I have to deal with the mess I have made ...