The Boy Who Used To Be Me

Wow! A Manchester Man! Pretty fucking hot, i'd say, but what do I know, having not had a bf in like 7 or 8 years and .... well, lacking in the sex department. Just had a collosal argument with my mother --again. Happens most of the times I visit her. She doesn't get me, never has , I guess; thinks I'm straight, the oldest lving virgin and a lazy loser! It's clear in the thigns she says to me and her negative, superior attitude.

Did I mention my Mom is kinda nuts? She has been after me to wash the "sides of my face" for 5 years now, and consdiers me to be a really dirty, slob of a man. I have been visiting Mom for a week now, and she does start to drive one crazy, get on the nerves. But what's the alternative? I am trying to have a good relationship here! And, hell, it ain't easy! But if I go home ...there I am ...home again ...all a-fucking-lone, no fun at all!

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to fix my life. None of us are getting any younger as the world turns. And one thing I know for sure now is that LONLINESS KILLS (the silent killer?)!

Some say that we need to live fully in the PRESENT, but, hey, if i did not have my memories of when I actually had a LIFE to rely on now ....? I don't know ....I think I might be in serious trouble. If not for the thoughts of Toronto in the 80s and 90s when I was still discovering, seeking, taking chances, meeting people, clubbing, dancing, loving, and even having sex, I might go completely mad!!! I don't mean to imply that everything was WONDERFUL, or that there were no struggles, no down periods .... But There was a JOY, and in the eye of the really rotten times, there remained, always, a sense that things could, and would likely get BETTER ....

That sense has been lacking for sometime now. What happened to the JOY?

How Do You Keep The Music Playing?

I do not know how to pick up the broken pieces of my sad, lonely life and get back with the fucking program. Yet this is something I absolutely MUST do. I know this, but it will not be easy. Is anything in life that is worth having easy to come by? Naw ...I suspect NOT! However, I am approaching 40 and it is not anywhere I have really thought of being, not like this anyway ... without the creature comforts, without the Career, without a partner and friends to share life with. Life goes on ... All around me, life goes on .... People are growing, moving, achieving. But WTF do I have to show for my nearly 40 years?!!! My God!!! What's it all about ALFIE ...?!

My world is so very far away from the world of hustlers and trannies of the 80s; so far away from the of time of Saturday nights, Friday nights ...Hell, Thursday, and sometime Wednesday nights at the Bar in Toronto, drinking beer and triple rum and Cokes, dancing my ass off and maintaining a respectable body weight. So so far away! Wow! The turns we take, the opportunities we grab hold of, or choose to let slip by, these are the tools that define us, the circumstances that determine how our lives will end up. I have made some rash choices, but weren't they the only ones I could have made given the situations and the knowledge I had at the time?