Bad mood now.
Interesting day for sure. But greatly disappointing ...
ALL ABOUT ROLANDCousin Roland was by today, here at Mom's. But instead of taking me out for a drive as had been implied when he first called back at my apartment, we sat around chatting mostly in Mom's country kitchen .... later. briefly in the living room. Really, Roland spent just as much time talking with Mom as he did with me, which would have been great at another time, if we did not have so many things to discuss, issues to address, catching up to do.
I had suspected somehow from when he first called that there was something going on. That he had someone special in his life. Don't know how I knew, but it was just a feeling that I had. This was confirmed today, later on, when Mom was talking to a cousin at the door. In hushed tones, Roland told me that he had been seeing someone named Kieran since December of last year, living with him since January ... Little Rollie, happy at last ...?!
I have not been with anybody in three years. Not had a date since I lived in Toronto, and not even in that last year. Honestly, unless a miracle happens I do not think I will have LOVE or even sex EVER AGAIN!
Now, in retrospect, things about this visit would suggest that maybe Roland simply wanted to rub my face in it. For instance, for the brief few moments we were alone and able to speak more intimately, he began: "Did I tell you I had been in California for seven days ...?" Apparently, he had visited last October - alone.
California had been my dream - maybe OUR dream, possibly. Like the toys on my childhood Xmas wish list that had been too expensive for my single Mom to get me, but reality stocking stuffers for Roland come December 25th, my cousin took another one of my dreams. Packaged it as his own. Only the really shrewd would have seen the crafty little trick. My Mom thinks it was a great, innocent little visit ...
Roland seems to be unveiling to me at this late stage in the game.
The real Roland. And the timing is
awful. He is
quietly calculating. Much more calculating in matters of friendship and family than I had ever thought. His visit to Mom's yesterday demonstrated this. It is all about apearances and, though I still find it hard to believe, due to his mild-mannered, subtle nature around it, Cousin Roland has been playing me for years.
HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME!Oh, when did I stop
LIVING and start
just existing? I feel like I could cry any moment now. A life of any meaning seems to be slipping away more are more with everyday. Roland seems to have been appointed the one to come and put the final nails on my coffin ...
Let's face it - this will be my
WORSE BIRTHDAY EVER.
Happy 40th, FOOL!!!!!!!!
